While my passion for film fills the spectrum of genres thereof, there is a particular breed of film making that has come to sour the art and dominate the market.
Though it might accomodate the standards of an average movie patron, it is to a movie buff like Keystone Light to a craft beer aficionado, who finds no words to describe the nature of its filth beyond the gut feeling that it is… “too Hollywood.” Much like pornography, I can’t really define it but I know it when I see it.
Yet I can’t count the number of times people have challenged my grievances about such movies, demanding some distinction between “Hollywood” movies and the many titles they do not recognize when they examine my shelf of DVDs. So I am here to finally dispense these distinctions, in the form of 20 pet peeves and likewise 20 attributes you will NOT find in any top 10 or 20 or even 50 list of mine (not only with regard to movies, but also books, television shows and the like).
And what better movie to inspire this endeavor than the latest and greatest… 2012 
2012 is a “Hollywood” movie in every respect, and I knew what I signed up for when I bought the ticket: to turn the knob on my overactive brain and all critical thinking functions to the OFF position, and indulge my eyes in the visual equivalent of junk food. The opportunity to go to the movie theatre and spend some quality time with my sister is never without merit, so I’m not complaining. But I’m not putting in my pre-order for the DVD either. What follows is a list of reasons why not.
Without further ado, my top 20 pet peeves about “Hollywood” movies:
1. Speeches and cliches at the expense of vital time – For example, telling your child the story about how they were born when you have 90 seconds to fix the gears of the engine before you collide with Mount Everest and kill millions, ala 2012. Such nonsense is usually irrelevant in content and overdosed with misplaced melodrama (in line with the overall film), but worst of all, it’s placed right in the middle of an emergency, time-sensitive, life-threatening situation where immediate action must be taken. This is the most repelling flavor of a larger mechanism I call:
2. Persistence of the ideal – Notably that everything will resolve into an ideal situation. Spoiler ahead… In 2012, they have a choice between opening the gate to let several hundred people on the arc – risking the lives of thousands in the process, not to mention establishing a scarcity of resources that could potentially destroy the population – or letting them die for the security of the ship. The more destructive flaw is not that they will always choose the moral ideal, but that it will always work out overwhelmingly in favor of that decision, sometimes disacknowledging even the most obvious and necessary reprecutions.
3. Polarization of ethics – Good guys and bad guys. Good ideas and bad ideas. No in between. No complexity. It’s time to abandon this paradigm in PG-13 and R rated movies. The adult public can handle a little ambiguity for the sake of authenticity. Cult classics have been blurring the lines – and better reflecting reality – for decades, of course with no influence on the mainstream. But popular movies like Crash have been emerging in recent years, and they ought to represent precedents rather than exceptions in modern film making.
4. Correlation of weather – Don’t worry if you arrived late, just check out what’s going on outside. Bright and sunny? Happy times – but the movie is probably almost over.
5. Correlation of color – And if you can’t see outside? No worries. Look at the walls, the lighting, the clothing. Dark? Uh-oh. Light? Cheers. Colorful? No worries. Grays and blacks? Panic. Great movies aren’t confined to such simplicity. Watch the bright and fanciful colors flashing around in Kill Bill as the Bride slaughters dozens in bloody massacre. Watch the dark and gloomy scenes in Kiss Kiss Bang Bang when they are talking about the most childish topics.
6. Necessity of romance – Here are the precepts of “Hollywood” movie romance: The two main characters shall be one male, one female. The two main characters shall fall in love, regardless of compatibility. They shall be single, looking for love, and there shall be no obstacles to their love. The seeds of this love should be evident by a suspension of eye contact the first time they meet. Their love should be consummated in the form of a kiss, positioned 3/4 into the film, following a heated argument and/or preceding a dangerous mission. Their love should set them on the course to marriage, before they even go on their first date.
7. Attempts to be edgy – Some part of the filmmaker knows what he’s doing, knows he’s playing it safe, creating a sure-fire popularity token to rake in billions without any semblance of substance or depth or realism, rather than taking the risk of flopping for the chance of creating a cult classic that inspires passionate viewers for decades to come. Fine. And this part of him knows that a safe movie calls for a safe audience, and a safe audience secretly wants to believe they can handle the edge. So he’ll embed supposedly edgy things without compromising the fluffiness of the film. Maybe the main character will curse, or take a shot of liquor, or crack some dirty joke. Yawn. Just accept your movie for the soft and PC train wreck that it is and don’t call attention to it with brief spurts of edginess.
8. Attempts to be deep – The same part of the filmmaker that knows his audience wants to feel dangerous also knows that they want to feel wise, so in his aim to please (the hallmark of all “Hollywood” movies), he sets out to interweave pseudo-spiritual/scientific references and messages in the form of photocopied knowledge, dumbed down for the masses. As far as choice favorites go, we have Buddhism on the spiritual side, quantum physics on the scientific. In 2012 we have some imitation Dalai Lama sharing the classic Buddhist story of the over-filled to a monk who hasn’t heard it before. If you’re a monk and you haven’t heard that story, there are issues in the screening process.
9. Disregard of and insult to logic, physics and my intelligence – ‘Nuff said.
10. Elitism of America – It’s enough that “Hollywood” movies only feature pretty white people and the occasional token black as their heroes, not to mention positioning brown people as the generalized villain. But they also have to present America as a utopia on earth and the source of all good things in humanity. The unlikely superhero is American. The scientist who produces the ultimate solution (because it could never be a TEAM of scientists) is American. The president who unifies the world is American. A little patriotism is great. But unabashed, narrow-minded American arrogance does not impress me. It makes me cringe.
11. Obsession with New York – You don’t find New York City in any of the great classics. Where is Donnie Darko set? Suburban Maryland. American Beauty? Suburban Illinois. Office Space? Suburban Texas. One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest? Rural Oregon. Gone with the Wind? Rural Atlanta. Mulholland Drive and The Big Lebowski? Los Angelos. Boondock Saints and Good Will Hunting? Boston.
Every “Hollywood” movie that brings in millions of dollars and leaves zero impact on film making? New York City. D.C. is a close second, Hollywood a fair third. But New York is absolutely top choice. And it wouldn’t be so bad if they weren’t always portraying my city as the hub of history’s greatest disasters, but it anytime a “Hollywood” movie shows up in the Big Apple, you better believe that catastrophic shit is going down.
12. Exploitation of the immortal state in the form of suicide missions – Our heroes seem to know they can’t die in a “Hollywood” movie, so they indulge in heroic missions that would kill anyone else, and then claim the glory of their success as if they were ever taking a risk to begin with. If you refuse to kill the main character, at least don’t feature your softness by leveraging it to produce weak story-telling. Send your characters into suicide missions and let the chips fall where they may, or don’t put them into these situations at all.
13. Excess of deus ex machina – This goes hand in hand with the preceding pet peeve. Out of the blue, unsolvable situations are consistently resolved with little effort or concern. In a “Hollywood” movie, there will always be a flashlight in the dark cave, an air pocket in the underwater abyss. The (protagonist’s) car will always drive fast enough to stay ahead of the earth splitting open, the plane will always fly high enough to clear the mountain summit, the timer will always be disarmed just before 00:00. And this leads right into…
14. Charm of the ending – This is so ubiquitous that it almost feels like cheating to put it on this list. But it must be said. The end of a “Hollywood” movie resembles a filled in crossword puzzle – every solution was contained with the problems to begin with, everything connects in perfect symmetry, the surrounding holes are blacked out and ignored. The end of a GREAT movie resembles a finished chess game – an imperfect but complete story, leaving behind a random assortment of pieces that no one could have predicted, forged by a series organic circumstances and human choices.
15. Reconciliation of EVERYTHING – This is like the pet peeve above but is character-based as opposed to plot-based. There might be problems going into the movie. There will certainly be problems that arise over the course of the film. But please, don’t be alarmed. Everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, will work out perfectly in the end. A grieving but believing widower will die a quick and painless death. Divorced parents estranged from their children will become a happy couple and their kids’ heroes. Even the death of 6-odd billion human beings will serve to create space for the 500,000 greatest human beings on the planet. Perhaps all of my bitterness is merely jealousy – if I was in a “Hollywood” movie, I would be employed at Google!
16. Finality of conclusion – And it’s not enough that all of the pieces fall into place in the most charming fashion without regard to the consequences, because, indeed, we must explicitly affirm that this is the end of the movie before rolling credits. A tell-tale giveaway of an amateur journalist is a concluding paragraph, especially if it states some moral conclusion. The professional journalist knows, and the professional film maker ought to, that when the story is over, you end it – if the conclusion is not self-evident or the moral message is not self-contained, any conclusion you put forth is nothing but self-serving and self-destructive anyway.
(Don’t get me wrong here. You DO have to finish your story, and non-”Hollywood” movies can go too far in the other direction – ahem, No Country For Old Men.)
17. Selective convenience of death - Don’t worry, not too many people will die, at least that we’ll show you explicitly… except for those we lead you to hate (via the polarization of ethics) or those who interfere with happy ending or finite conclusion. We also will never, at any time, kill of the main character, any children, any pets. The lead secondary character is not quite as immune, if we see killing him as an attempt to be edgy.
18. Survival of pets - This one deserves it’s own special category, because in 2012, one character risks her life twice, sacrificing her life the second time, to save a stupid, yappy little dog who serves no purpose whatsoever. It’s not just a rule that pets survive, it seems to be a rule that pets are included in the film just for the sake of saving them. What does it say about viewers who would rather save a dog than 500,000 people, and moreover would find it heartwarming.
19. Heroism of children – It’s enough that the children have to live. Must they also save the day? Kids don’t save the day in real life. They’re small, weak and stupid. Nothing against kids, we’ve all been kids, but there’s a reason we don’t put society in their hands.
20. Recycling of themes – Let’s play a game called You Pick the Movie: “The U.S. president grieving over the loss of his wife takes strength in his daughter.” Independence Day -or- 2012? “The protagonists bind together in the wake of CGI catastrophe to represent a new beginning for the human species.” 2012 -or- The Day After Tomorrow? “Roland Emmerich writes, produces and/or directs.” Independence Day -or- The Day After Tomorrow -or- 2012? You decide!
In conclusion… just kidding.
learn perfect English and educate myself – but only with those things I need to know. I will get a college degree so I can get a business degree… Simultaneously I will make whatever money possible from bodybuilding and invest it in real estate where I will make the big money… I will go into the movies as an actor, producer and eventually director. By the time I am 30 I will have starred in my first movie and I will be a millionaire… I will collect houses, art and automobiles. I will see the world. Along the way, I will learn to impress people and I will hone my mind to outwit all of them… I will marry a glamorous and intelligent wife. By 32, I will have been invited to the white house…” (
You have to send out several dozen resumes before one of them is even considered for an interview by a legitimate employer. You probably have to face a dozen interviewers before you’re comfortable dazzling them and get the job. You probably have to go through half a dozen jobs to find the career that’s right.
about to tell you.
I’ve stayed with you through a lot Natalie. I was patient through the post-V-for-Vendetta lull in your career. I didn’t buy into this Megan Fox Transformers-slut nonsense. And I have held and will continue to hold in contempt those ill-tasted men who pick your look-a-like Kiera Knightley over you (Evan… psh…).
