I’m writing you with a heavy heart, and I hope you’re sitting down for what I’m
about to tell you.
For upwards of seven years now, I have considered you the hottest actress in Hollywood. It started with your role in Star Wars… I mean, obviously. It was reinforced by your spirited range in Garden State, intensified when you played a stripper in Closer, and solidified when you still looked hot with a shaved head in V for Vendetta.
What can I say? I’ve been going for baby-face girly-girls ever since.
I’ve stayed with you through a lot Natalie. I was patient through the post-V-for-Vendetta lull in your career. I didn’t buy into this Megan Fox Transformers-slut nonsense. And I have held and will continue to hold in contempt those ill-tasted men who pick your look-a-like Kiera Knightley over you (Evan… psh…).
But then came Kim Bauer. She was the first real threat to our relationship. I was a little turned off my her real name, Elisha Cuthbert, mainly because I couldn’t pronounce her last name and it sounded like a kind of fart. But she was there, a near automatic 2nd place – complete with a girly spirit, an edgy attitude, and great… hands. Serious competition indeed.
But I stayed with you through the first three seasons of 24…
…and through The Girl Next Door…
But having been apart from you for so long, I decided to leave you to my #2 hottest Hollywood actress ranking, upon seeing this picture:
Game over Natalie…
But now is not the time for bitterness or self-pity.
It’s time to take action, so you can hold onto your number #2 slot without falling to #3. Amy Adams is RIGHT on your tail, and with her consistent work record as of late – Sunshine Cleaning, Doubt, Julie & Julia, – you could fall deeper in the rankings if you indulge in your depression for too long.
The look of pure hot ambition.
My suggestion to you is this: Go back to your Closer roots: You know… psycho-chick stripper who just wants to fall in love?
Until then, you have all my best wishes and adoration.
Much love,
Dan
